Here at Homesick HQ, we can safely say that we have done the ‘bed and breakfast’ (B&B) thing. We are veterans. Years of ‘staycationing’ and weekends away from Homesick HQ have left us sometimes refreshed, sometimes longing for our own bed, often shocked by the price of a drink, and always with something to remember. Memories are selective. We all have the capacity to (thankfully) forget the service reminiscent of Basil Fawlty and the karaoke singing hotel owner, but remember impeccable surroundings and mammoth breakfasts. Looking back on our staycationing experiences, there are some common themes that stand out as…how do I put this delicately… ‘issues’ that would feasibly drive all potential holidaymakers away.
The highlight (and what inspired this post) was a wedding anniversary in Morecombe Bay a few years ago, and it was memorable not because of the beautiful beach and the pier, but because of the utterly dire ‘4 star’ hotel that we had the misfortune to pick. It was a last-minute trip anyway, and we made the mistake of believing some of the ‘above average’ reviews. I have to say, the accommodation put us off holidaying in the UK for at least a year (until we discovered a secret hidey-hole which I will NEVER share with anyone).
Back to Morecombe – the room had a sea view (great!) but there was also a distinct smell of previous guests, mouldy teabags that had been left out in the sunny windowsill alongside UHT cartons of milk that had been opened a crack so that their contents were sour. There was a chair on top of the wardrobe (WHY?!?) And the mattress was like a bucket. We paid the same amount for 2 nights at this B&B as we would have for a Marriott in Yorkshire (I checked the prices) so we duly felt completely ripped off. I think I may have thrown the room key at the owner when we left.
So, at the end of our tether, here is our twisted wisdom to the lost souls of the B&B world who are struggling to make the best of their assets:
- We are no longer in the 1970s, 80s or 90s, so please move into the next century. Decor to match these eras is like staying with your gran. Not the nice gran either, but the one who was mean to your mum and a bit creepy. So update your decor, everything about it. EVERYTHING. I appreciate that times are hard and renovating for an impending Hotel Inspector inspection may not be possible. But seriously, common sense should tell you that there are some cheap ways of freshening up your place.
- Stay in one of your own rooms for the night. Use the tea and coffee making facilities, try out that trouser press, experience the pleasure of that budget mattress for yourself.
- Clean the effing kettle of limescale.
- Change the teabags regularly and chuck out the gross UHT milk cartons too.
- Have somewhere NEAR the shower/bath to hang the towel AND your clothes. A closed toilet seat is not an acceptable place to place your clean towel.
- Get rid of all the dried flowers and potpourri in all the rooms.
- Give the place a lick of paint.
- Don’t force the guests into karaoke sessions, not everyone shares your enthusiasm.
- For the love of God, give us more than half an hour to eat our breakfast, and please don’t make us get up before 9am for this. We need a lie-in. We work hard all week and really want to sleep or rummage under the duvet.
- Hot and cold taps should be indications of hot and cold running water. Not lukewarm and dribbling.
- ‘Fresh orange juice’ does not mean leaving the Tesco’s value carton out for all to help themselves.
Over to you my trusty readers…what else should be included?…